Content warning: stressful families, pregnancy, discussion of weight loss
The Welcome
Blank screen
CLAUDIA: It’s too early.
DEE: We’re the hosts. [Confused] Please attempt a smile.
CLAUDIA: Bottom left.
Screen turns on revealing Claudia and Dee in their living room
DEE: [Excited] Did you download them: the questions?
CLAUDIA: I’m digesting.
DEE: Seriously?
CLAUDIA: It’s just a quiz.
DEE: It’s important.
CLAUDIA: They’re printing.
DEE: And don’t look. Put them in…
CLAUDIA: Brown envelope beside the printer.
DEE: And no food at the screen: you know what she’s like. Where should we put the popcorn?
CLAUDIA: [Reaching for the popcorn] Table works.
DEE: [Swiping Claudia away] I’m worried about messaging. How about under? What’s the look we’re going for?
CLAUDIA: Needy.
DEE: Don’t. Could get hummus for decor. Took weeks to find a date they were free.
CLAUDIA: And willing. [Resigned] You’re right.
DEE: No literary detours next door: this is supposed to bring us together.
Claudia huffs off-screen
DEE: You’re such a child.
CLAUDIA: [Off-screen] I’m getting the questions.
A new blank screen appears
MRS SPIEL: Regrettably, but these are the sacrifices we have to make for our children… That’s an awful lot of popcorn!
DEE: [Excited] Hello, Mrs Spiel!
MRS SPIEL: Where’s the video?
DEE: Bottom left.
Mr and Mrs Spiel’s screen appears
DEE: For thematic decoration.
MRS SPIEL: Thank goodness: wouldn’t want to put more weight on. Not with exercise options reduced for the foreseeable. [Looking round for Claudia] Hello, dear?
DEE: She’s getting the questions.
MRS SPIEL: We can come back.
DEE: No, no, we’re ready. Where’s…?
MRS SPIEL: He’s just… [Loud] Are you finished, dear?
Sound of a toilet flush.
MR SPIEL: On my way.
MRS SPIEL: He’s always like this when we eat non-European.
MR SPIEL: You could’ve tempered the Fajitas.
MRS SPIEL: Kitchen’s the second door on the left.
Mr Spiel appears on-screen
MR SPIEL: Oh, are we early?
DEE: No, no, perfectly on time.
MRS SPIEL: We should’ve dressed down.
MR SPIEL: And where’s…?
MRS SPIEL: Cowering in the corner with chagrin.
DEE: Collecting the questions.
MR SPIEL: So you’re not ready.
DEE: I… we thought we’d invite everyone beforehand for a chat.
MRS SPIEL: I’ve called conventionally every day. [To Mr Spiel] Anything to add?
DEE: Claudia!!!?
MR SPIEL: No drinks, dear?
MRS SPIEL: You know where the fridge is.
MR SPIEL: [To Dee] Is this an adult occasion?
DEE: [Pause] I see, feel free.
MRS SPIEL: It’s not a fraternity. May I suggest you do your liver a favour and procure an apple juice. [To Dee] You’re not inebriated, are you?
Mr Spiel leaves the screen
DEE: We’ve opened a bottle.
MRS SPIEL: Ornamentally?
DEE: Claudia!
CLAUDIA: Honey.
DEE: There’s only 3 rounds and your mother would like to see you.
CLAUDIA: Printer’s slow and we talked yesterday. You catch up.
Pause
MRS SPIEL: There’s exercises on the web.
DEE: I’ll be fine.
MRS SPIEL: No equipment.
Third screen appears
DEE: [To Claudia] You’re missing out.
Eddie and Fiona appear. Fiona is heavily pregnant and Eddie is carrying two beers in hand. There’s a pizza box on the table
EDDIE: What’s up b…
DEE: Context! Please.
EDDIE: Let’s get it started. Missed any question?
MRS SPIEL: Everyone’s intoxicated.
EDDIE: Mother. If this is a family affair, where’s Big Sis?
Claudia appears on the screen
CLAUDIA: Eddie.
EDDIE: Ta da! Good to see you dressed for the occasion.
CLAUDIA: Impressive: you’re only 10 minutes late.
MRS SPIEL: [To Mr Spiel] You’re missing your son.
CLAUDIA: And daughter.
MRS SPIEL: Of course.
DEE: So great to have you all here.
EDDIE: Did anyone invite Uncle George?
Pause
DEE: Looking fittingly uncomfortable, Fiona?
FIONA: We need a new sofa.
EDDIE: After we’ve paid for the spare room.
Mr Spiel returns to the screen
MRS SPIEL: And how’s my little bun cooking up?
MR SPIEL: Look who we have here.
FIONA: Kicking like a trooper.
MR SPIEL: I knew he’d be a sportsman.
CLAUDIA: He?
MR SPIEL: I Just know.
FIONA: We won’t until the day.
EDDIE: Keeps the suspense. [Takes a sip of his beer]
MR SPIEL: I’ve already bought him his Gunners top.
CLAUDIA: She’ll certainly look fetching wearing it.
EDDIE: Don’t mind if we eat while we quiz? We splashed out to help out.
CLAUDIA: Can you at least find a plate?
MRS SPIEL: So long as you’ve got something in you.
Dee reaches for the popcorn and surreptitiously has a bite
EDDIE: When’re we kicking off then?
Claudia passes the envelope
DEE: So, three rounds; 20 questions each. No phones.
EDDIE: There a music round?
DEE: Afraid not.
EDDIE: What sort…
DEE: It was deemed unfair: some participants have hearing issues.
EDDIE: Scam.
MRS SPIEL: You could have asked.
CLAUDIA: We’ve printed now.
EDDIE: And who’s reading?
DEE: Yours truly.
EDDIE: So, who’s got the answers?
DEE: I’m the quiz master.
EDDIE: How do we know you’re not cheating?
FIONA: Don’t be so rude.
EDDIE: [Covering the screen] Should’ve seen her con her way through Cluedo.
FIONA: Learn to mute.
CLAUDIA: No-one has them; they’re still online. And this is rich coming from the Trivial Pursuit grifter.
MRS SPIEL: Oh, we could’ve played that.
EDDIE: And marking?
CLAUDIA: I’m trekking the country to personally check each sheet. Extra points if you show your working.
FIONA: We’ll do our own.
MRS SPIEL: Should I use a different colour pen?
Pause
DEE: It’s entirely up to you.
MRS SPIEL: [Looking at Mr Spiel] Well go on then. Red’s in the desk top drawer.
Mr Spiel exits
MRS SPIEL: You mentioned timescale? Only, I don’t want your father taking out rubbish in a full moon.
CLAUDIA: Says about an hour, mum.
MRS SPIEL: For 3 rounds?
FIONA: I really appreciate you doing this.
DEE: Thank you. Did you all get the picture print-offs?
Eddie gives a thumbs up. Mrs Spiel looks increasingly perplexed as Mr Spiel enters
MR SPIEL: Got the pen; got the printout. Let’s get cracking.
The Quiz
All are huddled around their pieces of paper, except Dee who is reading the quiz
DEE: Round number 1: History and Geography.
EDDIE: What!
FIONA: Shhhhh.
MR SPIEL: Get ready to lose, losers.
CLAUDIA: Dad!
EDDIE: Game on.
MRS SPIEL: That’s not an appropriate way to communicate with your offspring.
DEE: Am I clear enough?
MRS SPIEL: As a bell.
DEE: Question one. Which country is called the “Land of Fire and Ice”?
MR SPIEL: Iceland.
MRS SPIEL: [Covering the screen] Eric.
MR SPIEL: It’s true.
EDDIE: Ha, you need to use the mute button.
FIONA: Says you.
MRS SPIEL: Call to disqualify the question?…
DEE: All set, I’m afraid.
MRS SPIEL: …on account of me partnering with a simpleton.
DEE: No guarantee it’s right.
EDDIE: Is that a clue?
DEE: I don’t have the answers.
EDDIE: Yeh, yeh. Well, we’re putting down Norway.
FIONA: No we’re not.
MRS SPIEL: Such heroic heterodox thinking.
FIONA: Incautious contrarianism, more likely.
CLAUDIA: We’re sticking.
MRS SPIEL: Rather uncouth.
DEE: We knew the answer, anyway.
EDDIE: ‘Cause you’ve got the answers.
CLAUDIA: No-one’s got…
EDDIE: On your word.
MRS SPIEL: Children, desist.
Pause
DEE: Shall we… Question two. Which famous river is shown in picture A?
All confer on mute
MRS SPIEL: It’s the Amazon, it’s always the Amazon.
MR SPIEL: Doesn’t look like it. How about the Zambezi?
MRS SPIEL: Just no.
EDDIE: [Unmuted] Bet you wish you’d travelled more now, Sis.
MR SPIEL: [Unmuted] You can have just as much fun book-buried in Blighty.
CLAUDIA: [Still muted] Amazon.
EDDIE: Hey.
CLAUDIA: [Unmuted] Problem?
EDDIE: You blatantly got it from me?
DEE: Did you…?
EDDIE: She knew I’d been to Brazil.
MRS SPIEL: [Unmuted, to Mr Spiel] If only your ego accepted your knowledge-base.
DEE: Perhaps we should enforce the muting rule.
MR SPIEL: Oozes fun.
DEE: No talking and unmuting whilst answering questions.
FIONA: Still nice to see everyone.
MRS SPIEL: We’ll all have the same answers at this rate.
DEE: Question three. Julius Caesar was assassinated in which month, spawning which famous phrase?
CLAUDIA: Ju-ly-us! I bow to your August decision-making.
MR SPIEL: Et tu, Brute?
EDDIE: So unfair. Dad’s a Billy Shakes buff and Dee’s a classicist.
CLAUDIA: Extreme sports round’s up next.
DEE: Mute on please.
Blank screen
DEE: Question eleven, round two. What is the lightest metal?
The three screens reappear. Fiona is having a slice of pizza
MRS SPIEL: Sure you should be having that, dear? You’ll give yourself terrible wind; might even make it come early.
CLAUDIA: I’m certain she can look after herself.
DEE: Mute on, please.
MRS SPIEL: Motherly advice. It might be like its father and fall out like a fool on a flume. You, on the other hand, remained stubbornly clamped to my womb.
MR SPIEL: I hope you’re prepared.
MRS SPIEL: Didn’t know if she’d ever come out.
DEE: Mute on.
MR SPIEL: Tried reading to her.
CLAUDIA: [Sotto Voce] And bored me to birth.
MRS SPIEL: Sorry, dear?
DEE: Answers down?
Fiona awkwardly tries to get up off of the sofa
CLAUDIA: You lending a hand?
EDDIE: I’m winning.
DEE: Eddie, really.
EDDIE: Alright, alright.
Eddie reluctantly helps his wife after she’s already stood up. She shoos him away and leaves the screen. Sound of the bathroom door. Eddie shifts his face to camera. Claudia starts reading her book
EDDIE: Beer anyone? [Pause] Don’t you dare continue before my return.
Eddie leaves the screen
DEE: It’s lovely to see you all.
MRS SPIEL: Well, it’s something to do.
Dee agitatedly grabs some popcorn
MRS SPIEL: Don’t mind us.
Mr Spiel’s phone rings. He picks it up elatedly
MR SPIEL: Trevor.
DEE: [With mouthful] Mr Spiel, Mr Spiel, the quiz ruling is clear.
MR SPIEL: [To the phone] I’ll call back later. [To Claudia] Having fun, dear?
Mr Spiel shakes his head as Dee nods hers. She spots Claudia reading and forces her to put her book down
DEE: You’re embarrassing me.
CLAUDIA: I thought we were on a break.
DEE: When you’re allowed to talk.
CLAUDIA: So?
DEE: So talk.
Dee leaves as Fiona returns
CLAUDIA: You’re looking great.
MR/MRS SPIEL: Thank you, dear.
CLAUDIA: Actually…
FIONA: You’re very kind.
CLAUDIA: Is it unbearable?
FIONA: I’ve days when I feel I’m incubating a basketball match. Could be worse, I’ve heard.
MRS SPIEL: When I…
CLAUDIA: Could we please listen to Fiona for a moment?
MRS SPIEL: There’s no need for obstinacy.
FIONA: He doesn’t mean it. He talks about you all the time.
EDDIE: [As he enters] Alright losers, you may recommence. [Looking at Fiona] You’d better not have changed any answers. Cheer up Sis, it might never happen. Quiz master done a bunker? Don’t blame her.
DEE: [As she enters] Righteo. All here? Answers down? Let’s move on.
Blank screens. Screens reappear
DEE: Last Arts and Culture question. Name these three paintings and the painters that painted them. Mute all, and…
EDDIE: Where’s the sheet? You sitting on it? Pause everything.
FIONA: Under the laptop.
EDDIE: We’ve had a malfunction.
FIONA: There.
DEE: Mute all.
Mr Spiel’s phone rings. He answers
MR SPIEL: Leo.
DEE: No phones please.
EDDIE: It’s cheating.
MR SPIEL: It’s important.
MRS SPIEL: It’s a message from the 18th hole.
CLAUDIA: [To Dee] It’s Leonardo.
DEE: It’s antisocial.
MRS SPIEL: It’s business.
DEE: Right then. No conferring with Mr Spiel, please and we’ll wrap this up.
The Results
DEE: Who has won the most academy awards for acting?
MRS SPIEL: Katherine Hepburn.
EDDIE: Meryl Streep.
DEE: Katherine Hepburn.
MRS SPIEL: What a streak!
EDDIE: Thought you’d know that one.
DEE: What did we have?
Claudia shakes her head
FIONA: It’s only a game, honey.
MRS SPIEL: Oh dear, the red’s running out: too many ticks.
EDDIE: What’s the point in playing if you’re not going towin?
MRS SPIEL: Be a darling and get another.
DEE: Question 13. Which popular artist performed the song “Ice, Ice Baby”.
EDDIE: Vanilla Ice. Ha!
MRS SPIEL: Wonderful.
EDDIE: No.
DEE: Vanilla Ice is correct.
FIONA: Her GK is mind-blowing.
CLAUDIA: Well done mum.
EDDIE: Who was on Dad’s call?
MR SPIEL: The contractors, son.
EDDIE: Then suddenly you’re Mensa.
FIONA: Eddie.
DEE: Next question.
EDDIE: This is important.
MR SPIEL: Would you like a copy of our records for evidence?
CLAUDIA: [Playful] And I thought I saw an earpiece.
EDDIE: Yes.
DEE: No.
MRS SPIEL: You’re accusing your parents of deception?
Pause
EDDIE: If the shoe fits.
DEE: Shall we just move on?
FIONA: For everyone’s sake.
CLAUDIA: Dad’s third call was during…
EDDIE: Exactly!
MRS SPIEL: If you’ve an accusation, articulate.
DEE: Shall we just…
MRS SPIEL: It was obvious, dear. I’m not completely cocooned from popular culture.
EDDIE: Firstly…
FIONA: We really don’t have time for this.
CLAUDIA: Not sure if Vanilla constituted ‘popular’ even then.
EDDIE: Exactly, you’ve never shown a shred of interest when we were growing up.
MRS SPIEL: Like fish and water, I rarely notice knowledge is there.
CLAUDIA: And an abundance of devices have floated about your screen.
EDDIE: Exactly!
DEE: We should move on.
MRS SPIEL/EDDIE: No!
MR SPIEL: Your mother and I wouldn’t cheat on this poxy quiz.
DEE: Hey! I spent an age…
MRS SPIEL: Downloading 60 questions.
MR SPIEL: Upgrade your broadband.
FIONA: Could you please all shut up: I think I’m about to have a baby.
Silence
EDDIE: Friends, family, Dad, show me your ears!
MRS SPIEL: Ludicrous.
DEE: Unconscionably tacky.
CLAUDIA: Denial is normally the first sign.
MR SPIEL: I will not be punned to in this manner.
Blank screen. Many questions later. All three screens return, missing Mr Spiel and Fiona
DEE: Right.
CLAUDIA: Where’s Dad?
EDDIE: Phone call.
MRS SPIEL: Recuperating. I’m holding the reigns. Results, please?
DEE: Coming in third place with 43 points is team “Lister and Walker”.
Mrs Spiel and Eddie clap unenthusiastically
DEE: Thanks, guys… special. In a tight-as-tight-as-tight, second place with a fabulous…
CLAUDIA: Fiona’s been a long time in the bathroom?
EDDIE: She’s out for air.
MRS SPIEL: Not that I’m in an emotional state for compassion, but I believe she’s embarked to bring forth.
EDDIE: What!? Now?
MRS SPIEL: Yes.
EDDIE: Without me? [Leaping up and grabbing a coat]
CLAUDIA: Good luck, Bro.
EDDIE: Yeh, yeh. Did we win?
DEE: The quiz?
EDDIE: No, the Grand National. [Grabbing a slice of pizza] Hurry up, we haven’t got all evening.
DEE: [Perplexed] Second, with 51 points, team “Great Expectations”.
EDDIE: [Throwing the pizza] Useless. [Leaving the screen] Worst day ever. [Door slams]
Pause
DEE: Which leaves, with a whopping 55 points, the winning team “Respect Your Elders”.
Claudia claps alone. Mrs Spiel sighs and turns off the screen
CLAUDIA: Well, you got us together.
Blank Screen
Aga Serugo-Lugo (twitter) is a musician/workshop leader who turned hand at playwriting in 2014. He’s written 5 full-length plays (Lawrence’s Birthday, The Offensive, An Existential Love, Death Of A Cartoonist, The Hotel) and numerous short plays and monologues. In addition he’s written 2 short musicals (Celebrity, Core Blimey!) and the words and music for a community opera The Old Man And The Sea.
Image based on “Popcorn” by Joakim Wahlander under a CC BY-NC license and shared under the same license.